Just Leave Me Alone

I've been feeling claustrophobic lately. The only way I can describe what I feel is by likening it to a feeling I had during my c-section with Kellyn. While the OB was working on me after I had delivered Kellyn, I felt him tugging and pulling on my body. At one point I wanted to yell out, "Just leave me alone", but I knew that I couldn't because the last step of surgery was to stitch me closed.  I had to lay there on the table and wait patiently, ignoring the part of me that wanted to be left alone.

That thought, "Just leave me alone", has randomly crossed my mind since that time. The frequency of that feeling has begun to increase, though.  Early this morning while I was nursing Kellyn I was struck by that thought.  I just wanted to go back to sleep and not be bothered by a hungry child.  Don't get me wrong, she is not neglected in any way, I'm just not always thrilled to drag myself out of bed at 1am and deal with her for the next 40 minutes.  The feeling returned while I was at work today. I don't think of work as a respite from taking care of people.  It brings me more "kids" to take care of who just whine in a completely different way than my own. 

I try to be there for Ryan and the kids and sometimes it's to the detriment of myself. I feel so guilty when I take time for myself, though, and it's going to take some awhile to get past that feeling.  When I do get time to myself I often find myself running errands, doing chores or even taking a kid along with me instead of pampering myself, reading a book or just having a moment of solitude without worrying about anyone else.

These episodes, if you will, are making me realize how unhealthy it is to neglect myself.  I need to take an active interest in my mental and physical health.  Once I do, then maybe I can be a better wife and mother and quit visiting this topic over and over.