Honesty

I've wanted to write this for awhile but have held back.  I didn't feel I could be completely free with my words until today.  Why today?  Because my husband came home after being gone for training for four weeks. Over the past four weeks I've found myself in the bottom of a deep, dark pit and have started to climb out and see the light.

I tend to deal with things by not dealing with them.  Not the best way of handling life, I know.  If it's too hard to manage I put walls up and block it off from everything else in my life.  By necessity and circumstance I did that when I should have grieved for my brother.  Three weeks ago I found myself not just in the bread aisle, but lying down, uncontrollably sobbing and feeling all alone.  I tried so hard to get someone to hear my feeble cries for help and no one seemed to be listening.

Ryan finally heard me late one night.  I was on the phone with him and he really listened.  I know I scared him.  At the time I was in a deep depression and barely functioning.  Don't get me wrong, I was going to work, doing my job, caring for the kids but I wasn't capable of much else beyond that.  I can tell you they ate a lot of mac and cheese and sandwiches and watched a lot of Disney movies because I couldn't give them more of me.  You can't give something that you don't have.  It was scary for me and for Ryan.  He wanted to come home and settled for calling my parents in the middle of the night for their help. 

I had a long talk with him and a long talk with my parents.  We decided that I had several issues and needed to make some definite changes in my life.  I work full time, was functioning as a single parent of two little ones and drowning in grief over the loss of my brother.  Something had to change.  They gave me a plan of action.

The next day I went to a trusted supervisor at work to discuss if I had any options in cutting back my hours or changing my schedule.  I talked to him for a long time about work, church, God and family.  He ended the conversation by telling me he would look into it and saying he really thought I should quit. 

On the next day I met the pastor of the church where we had been going to, the church we haven't been to in so long because I work every Sunday.  I sat in his office and cried.  We talked about grieving and many other things.  I left with a plan to phone a friend, a friend who wouldn't mind helping me walk through the grief and begin to heal, a section of Scripture and a new bible study to attend.

The following week my mom came to help me out.  She was such a support and blessing to have around.  I continued to go to work while she was visiting, and she stayed home with the kids and made them so happy.  She helped me cook, care for the house and kids, gave me a break and some much needed time to think.  I am so blessed to have such a wonderful, supportive family.  I know they'd drop what they were doing in a heartbeat to come help me out if I needed it.  And they did.

In the past three weeks, I have read through select Psalms daily with Ryan over long-distance.  Ryan and I have worked on our communication and are convinced that this dark period in our lives will only strengthen our marriage.  I've attended bible study and met new people.  I've met with my friend and told her about my brother's last week.  I wasn't sure I could face it, but we laughed and cried and I shared (and was reminded of) some really special things that happened during that time.  I know I have a long way to go, but I feel better and know that we're headed in the right direction.  It's amazing how God can bring you to your knees and pull you back up again.  He has truly blessed us with supportive family and friends who have helped us through this dark time.

My work, while they won't cut my hours back, has finally worked with me.  As of Sept 12 my days off will change from Tues-Wed to Sat-Sun.  We're a little excited.  We'll be able to have days off together as a family and to attend church again.  Ryan also told me that I don't have to work past Jan 1.  It helps knowing there's an end in sight and a plan to follow.