A Day at the Lake

On Saturday we invited ourselves up to our friend's farm to use their pond for fishing and kayaking.  It went from a small we-won't-bother-you-at-all request to a fun day of fishing, kayaking, dinner, dessert, and a great time with friends.

The day started out pretty rough with a night of no sleep, and an early trip to urgent care to get medicine for a nasty bug bite Kellyn had on her ear.  I was exhausted, and I wasn't too hopeful that the day would go well.  We packed up the kayaks, fishing gear, food and went anyway. 

After we arrived Aric put on his life jacket and horsed around with Ryan in typical boy fashion.  In untypical boy fashion Aric had a panic attack while wearing his life jacket that manifested in  whispers and slurred speech.  It was bizarre and scary.  Thankfully we were at the home of a nurse, who immediately took over and made sure Aric was fine.  After resting on the couch for awhile sans life jacket with Ryan, Aric was back to his normal self.  So the four of us headed down to the pond.

We first tried fishing, but the fish were having nothing to do with our lures and we didn't bring any worms or bobbers.

The kids quickly became impatient and requested to go kayaking instead.  Except for Kellyn who decided she would just watch us from the shore.  I sat with Kellyn on the shore while Ryan and Aric kayaked.

Pretty soon the rest of the party joined us and Kellyn decided to go for a very short kayak ride.

Ryan brought Aric back to shore, because Aric was acting funny again.  Aric came over to sit by me.  After talking to him for a bit, trying to figure out what was wrong, I realized he was going to throw up.  I quickly leaned him forward.  After that Aric was happy to be held for awhile and watch everyone else kayak.

It was quite entertaining to not kayak.  There was a dog who learned to swim, and tried to get into the kayaks on the water, a capsized kayak, and a search in the muck for a lost shoe.

It was a great way to spend a day.  Thankfully the hot weather we were expecting was replaced with some light rain, cool breezes, and plenty of clouds to make it overcast.

It was a wonderful way to spend time with loved ones.  Despite the medical maladies, I'm ready for the next time we can go back.

On Letting Go

Lately I've realized just how quickly time has gone by.  I look at Aric and I know our baby/toddler/preschool days are rapidly coming to an end.  On Tuesday I was online researching information about which elementary he will attend this fall.  I also printed out the application for him to attend Kindergarten Round-Up this April.  It was a tearful day for me.  On one hand I want to hold onto him forever.  On the other I know that I need to teach him to be self-sufficient and let him be his own person.  He needs to learn how to function on his own and not be dependent on us.  Right now I'm praying for wisdom on whether sending him to half-day kindergarten is the best or if a full day is what he really needs.

The truth is he is growing up.  He can read, he can write, he can do math problems and so much more.  Yesterday he learned how to tie his shoes.

...and was rewarded for his efforts:

I want the best for him as he grows up and begins to expand his world.  As a mother all I can do is support him, teach him, pray for him and not hold on too tight when it's time to let him go.  Now if you'll excuse me I need to go cry some more. 

Treasuring Every Moment

I've been unintentionally absent this past week.  It's not that I didn't have anything to say,  I had much to say.  It's that last Sunday night we had a huge wake up call and ever since I've been cherishing the moments with Aric and Kellyn.  Every time I look at them my heart overflows with love.  I just want to hold them and enjoy every precious moment that God gives me with them.

Last Sunday, as usual, we tucked the kids into bed and went downstairs.  I went back to sewing and Ryan was in the kitchen. About 5-10 minutes after we tucked them in I heard a huge thud upstairs.  It wasn't a normal I dropped my water/toy/book, etc, kind of thud it sounded like a body fell.  I ran upstairs to find Kellyn coming out of the bedroom crying.  She was inconsolable.  I held her on the couch, while Aric explained to Ryan what happened.  Apparently after we tucked them in, Kellyn climbed into Aric's bed, the top bunk, and was sitting there talking and playing with him.  She leaned backwards and fell head first over the railing.  She landed on top of her head.

We knew by the way she was acting that it was a terrible fall.  She was clingy, when I set her down to walk over to Ryan, she went limp and wouldn't walk.  We knew this wasn't normal behavior and decided to take her to the ER.  We went to the ER as a family, because we knew there was no way I would have been able to check her in at the front desk over the volume of her crying and screaming.

I sat down with her in the waiting room while Ryan checked her in.  Ryan answered the usual questions, and we were told to take a seat.  Before Ryan could sit down with us, Kellyn began to projectile vomit into my lap and purse.  It's amazing how quickly everyone moves when that begins to happen.  Ryan took Aric back home to get us a change of clothes, while Kellyn and I were rushed back.  The nurses quickly checked her in, gave us hospital gowns to change into and put Kellyn in a bed.

Kellyn answered questions, cried, remembered what happened, what she had for dinner, cried some more and kept telling us she wanted to go home to take a shower and sleep in daddy and mommy's bed.  As a precautionary measure she had a Ct scan done or in simpler terms they looked at her head in a big doughnut.  Unfortunately for Kellyn, they had to strap her down on a papoose board.  She struggled against being strapped down, but did remarkably well and even wanted her picture taken so she could see how silly she looked.

Long story short, she was diagnosed with a concussion and was released from the hospital after midnight.  We all went home, showered, put on clean clothes and fell asleep in daddy and mommy's bed.  Ryan stayed home from work the next day and dismantled the bunk beds.  The kids are now sleeping in twin beds in their own bedrooms.

Ever since I've been treasuring the little moments and thanking God for the precious lives he entrusted us with.

Things Heard Around Here

Kellyn: Can we open presents now?  I really want to see what's inside.

Me: No, it's not Christmas yet.

Kellyn: But the tree is up.

I remember when I was little and how long it seemed to take Christmas to come.  The presents under the tree and the anticipation of what was inside only added to the length of time.  Now, as a parent, I am witnessing this anticipation daily.  We have four advent calendars.  Yes, four, and still I am asked almost daily if it's time to open presents.

Since they are old enough this year to realize they will receive presents, we have been intentional in our talks with them about the reason for Christmas.  We want them to grow up knowing that Christmas isn't about what we unwrap, but it's about the birth of our savior and giving to others.

This weekend we are going to sort through all of their toys.  We have explained to the kids that they are blessed and have been given so much, but that there are other kids out there who don't have much.  They say they understand, but I'm sure there will be some problems when the time comes to part with their toys.  I'm willing to go through that, because I want to raise children with character.  I want them to look out for others and give where there is a need.

A Lesson in Humility and Trust

Almost a month ago I had a booth at a local craft show.  It was a two day affair and it did not go well at all.  I went in with the mind set that I would sell most if not all of my bags, and make lots of money.  God had other plans.  The first day of the show was cold, rainy and hardly anyone showed up.  It was miserable, and I didn't sell one thing.

That night I came home and cried.  I was discouraged.  The week before I received an e-mail from someone on Facebook asking if I would be interested in selling my items in her seasonal holiday store.  I sent her a nice e-mail and declined because I didn't have the time or the stock.  I knew I was going to work the upcoming craft show and I was sure I would sell most of my stock.  When discussing with Ryan why I was crying, he mentioned the woman with the store.  I told him I couldn't go crawling back to her, begging her to let me sell my things in her store.

Late that night, I checked my phone and saw this on Facebook:

Another long day getting the store ready! When I'm done, I'll post before and after's but the before's are kinda scary so I want to AMAZE you :) Listen guys, I reallly, really, REALLY want Regan's Sweat Shoppe to be a vendor in the Manhattan store! I found her on etsy and she's in Kansas so head over to her page and check out her super FAB items and while you're there....tell her to BRING IT to Manhattan :)

I couldn't sleep.  I spent the rest of the night thinking and praying and realizing a few things.  When I started my Etsy shop I asked God to allow it to be fruitful.  I really like to sew, and I would love to do it full time someday when the kids are in school.  I would like it to help provide for our family.  I went to the craft fair without God.  I never once prayed and gave it to him.  I was so sure that I could do it on my own.  He used a very hard lesson to show me that it wasn't about me.

I decided two things overnight (well, beyond the huge lesson that God was teaching me).  #1- I wasn't going back to day two of the craft fair.  The weather was supposed to be bad, I really needed to help my husband prepare for Kellyn's birthday party that night, and God didn't support my participation in that particular craft show.  #2- I was going to contact the woman from Facebook and ask her to meet with me.  I had questions and I wanted to see the place where the store would be located.

I met with her the next day.  Ryan and I had made a list of some specific requirements that we were looking for if I were to agree to be a vendor.  When I met with her, she mentioned everything on my list without me having to tell her what we would like as our terms.  I came home, prayed about it and really felt a peace about the whole endeavor.  It's not easy to trust that everything will be alright, but I truly believe that God put this plan into motion.

Last Saturday was the open house for Fab Finishes.  The store is cute, still a bit of a work in progress, but that's okay.  I was told that I sold a little over half of what I needed to, to break even this month.  I'm okay with that.  I believe God is in control of this.

My Etsy shop is currently pretty bare, but that's okay.  I plan on putting it in vacation mode soon after I finish a few custom orders.  After the holidays I plan to revamp it and offer some new items.  I'd like to do more made to order items like these:

For now I'm adding a few new items to take over to Fab Finishes, working on custom orders, Christmas gifts, and trying to keep photos updated on my Facebook page of the items that I have and can make for people.  Beyond that I'm just trusting God that he has all of this in control.

Cherished

My husband came home from work early on Tuesday with the most beautiful bouquet of flowers and a pumpkin spice latte. 

He left work early to drive me to my last knee appointment.  He has really been a trooper these last four weeks.  Ryan stayed home, took care of the kids, the house, the grocery shopping, everything.  He has taken the kids out, away from the house, to give me time to rest, recover and sew.  When we discovered my injections were more intense and debilitating than originally though, he made arrangements with his work to have the time off to help me recover. 

I am thankful for this man I married.  He is a wonderful father and husband.

This Girl...

This girl...

 ...drags that cow blanket everywhere.

...values the importance of ear protection.

...earned Mickey Mouse for going two weeks straight without having an accident overnight.  She's now working towards earning a large giraffe.  Mommy and Daddy are looking for one to use as a reward.

...hates to wear clothes and frequently wears only underwear around the house.

...likes to be in the middle of everything.

...likes to do everything her brother does.

...terrorizes the cat.

... marches to the beat of her own drum.

... and loves to sing songs.

I hope she eventually chooses to wear more clothes, but I hope she doesn't ever lose the confidence and individuality that she expresses now.

I'm Not Ready

I am frequently asked if we're sending Aric to preschool this year.  The answer is, I can't do it!  It's not about the cost of school, or that we haven't found a good school, it's that I am not ready to give up my little boy yet.  Yes, little boy.  My heart already aches at the thought of sending him off to kindergarten next year.  Where did the time go?  When did my sweet baby grow up into a boy?

When did he turn into a little boy who likes Star Wars, Superheroes, video games, tormenting his sister, ninjas, making Lego creations, and playing in the sprinkler in the front yard in his underwear?

I need another year to get used to the idea of him growing up and starting school.

Dear Ryan

I think about you quite often.  I was looking for a birthday card for mom yesterday and found one for you instead.  I bought it anyway.  I'll save it for next year for the annual burning of your birthday cards.

You would get a kick out of Aric's new Star Wars Legos fascination.  Daddy let Aric play his Star Wars Lego game and Aric has been hooked ever since.  He even picked out Star Wars Lego underwear a few weeks ago.  He is quite pleased with them and showed his new underwear to the ladies at the gym daycare last week. 

Kellyn is strong willed.  Enough said.  Seriously, she is tons of fun, drives me crazy and has the most expressive eyes.  Life wouldn't be complete without her.  She marches to her own drum, but I think that's great and I hope she has the confidence to keep doing that.

I'm not a big Miranda Lambert fan, but she has a song on the radio that makes me think of you every time I hear it.  Most people wouldn't think twice about the song, I didn't until I found out why it was written. Now it makes me tear up every time I hear it.  It's true, I'll never get over you.

Kiss my babies, tell them I love them and keep building those sand castles.  (By the way, keep an eye out for Gobbles, he might pounce on you and ruin your sand castles.)

Love,
Regan

More Than a Glimpse, Part 3

You can always tell when I'm busy or not feeling well, my blog entries significantly drop.  Lately I've been busy with a garage sale, yard work, gardening, sewing, kids, and any other number of activities.  That was my excuse for the last month and a half; before that I was not feeling well.

I thought I was doing well.  It's humbling to write about how well things are going and in a matter of weeks have the whole train derail.  Ryan was gone for most of the month of February.  He had business trips that took him away; leaving me at home to deal with the kids, house and life.  I didn't handle it well.  At all.  I started to feel guilty, I had no patience and no idea what was going on.  I knew something wasn't right, though.

Everyone I talked to thought it was just a difficult month with Ryan gone, my brother's birthday, winter time, etc.  I questioned almost everyone who called my house for their opinion on why I was feeling the way that I did.  One of my flaws is that I tend to think I need someone else to validate my opinions and feelings.  It's not a good trait to have since it delays me from taking action on my own.

I felt like my medicine wasn't working.  I had no energy, I was irritable with my husband and kids, and I felt like a failure.  In my gut I knew that I was feeling the way that I had before I started taking medicine.  I knew that things were bad and something was wrong, but because of my need for validation I delayed making a doctor's appointment.

Finally after one of many arguments on the phone with Ryan, we decided that I should make a doctor's appointment.  In early March Ryan went with me to the doctor's office.  That's where we learned that sometimes the body will adapt to the medication and the dosage will no longer be effective.  The doctor increased my dosage.  The next day I noticed an improvement in the way I was feeling.  I felt like myself again.  Unfortunately the side effects returned and I slept the next month away.

It took awhile for me to feel like myself again.  Since having my medicine changed I have joined a gym, which definitely helps me feel better both physically and mentally.  I feel better and I have resumed my normal activities, but I know the road ahead of me is still a long one.  My depression went untreated for so long that I really did a number on my body and it will take awhile for it to heal.

I don't relish sharing such intimate details about myself.  I much prefer my privacy, but I feel led to share this part of my story.  Maybe my story will give someone else the courage to get help, or an empathy towards someone walking down this road.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to my husband who is now officially older than me since he is 33 and I'm only 32b.

I love you, and I'm happy I get to share my life with you.

Always.

Things Heard Around Here

While leaving the movie theater after watching The Vow:

Ryan: I wouldn't do that for you.

Me: Yes you would and I know why.

Ryan: Why?

Me: We have a two year old and a three year old.  You wouldn't want to be stuck raising them all by yourself.

Ryan: Smiles

My sweet husband took me out on a date last night to celebrate my birthday a bit early since he has to work on my actual birthday.  He told me we could do anything I wanted.  I chose to go see The Vow.  We sat in the back of the theater (because it was full) and held hands through the entire movie.  I know I was smiling the entire time.  I don't often get to see a "chick flick" or hold hands with my husband through an entire movie.  Holding his hand reminded me of our "younger days" when life was so much simpler.

Afterwards we ate at a Japanese restaurant where they cook your food in front of you on the grill.  It was fun to go some place we don't normally go with two little kids and be different for a night.  The food was also amazing.  Since it was still early we wandered around Best Buy after dinner before we returned home to share a Boston Cream Pie with the kids and our friends who offered to babysit for us.

Thank you for such a fun night, Ryan.  I love you.

Letting Go

When I make gifts for people or items for my shop I tend to be rather hard on myself if there are any flaws in the item.   I have really noticed this since I opened my shop and people began buying things.  Anytime I mailed something out I was nervous or had feelings of dread, hoping and praying that the recipient would like what they purchased.  It was awful and I had a terrible weight hanging on my shoulders.  The funny thing is that even when people responded positively to what they received I still had feelings of dread the next time.

Last week I read part of an interview on an Etsy blog and it freed me from being so hard on myself.

What does handmade mean to you?
Handmade means fun, creative, imperfect and created with love. There’s beauty in the imperfections. None of our cards are exactly the same. It’s so cheap, easy and fast to print digitally these days that we’re seeing a real resurgence in the artisan art community and an appreciation for the handmade process. The end product is often more tactile and personal. We think people respond to that, and there’s a connection made between the crafter and the recipient.

It made me realize that the people who were buying my things wanted something handmade.  If they didn't want a handmade item they would go to the nearest store and buy something with perfect stitches that a machine made.  That weight lifted off of my shoulders after reading that excerpt.

I am not saying that I have now freed myself to sloppily make things.  I still work hard to make things look nice.  That article allowed me to quit being so hard on myself, which is what I truly needed.  Sometimes no matter how hard I try or how many stitches I rip out and re-sew what I have made will never look perfect and that is okay.

Here is a peek at some of the things I have worked on in the past few weeks:

Valentine's themed diaper covers for a photo shoot.

This was a sample pillow case to see how it was made.

Pillow case #1 for a daycare.

Pillow case #2 for a daycare.

ID Holder without the wrist strap.

Pillow.  It is not quite finished, I ran out of stuffing.

My stock.  My sweet husband added shelves to a downstairs closet near my work area.  That way I can keep my merchandise protected while it is waiting to go to a new home.

This is usually what my work area looks like when I'm mid project.

Dear Ryan

Dear Ryan,

Today is your 36th birthday.  Time seems to go by much faster in adulthood, a little too fast.  I decided that I'll be 32 for awhile.  It seems like a good age.  I keep telling people I'll be 32 until I look 32 and then I'll move on to a different age.  The truth, well the truth is I can't face 34.  I know that is a year away but I thought about it and 33 didn't have the quite the same ring to me. If I'm going to be the same age for awhile I should like the sound of it, right?  Because of you I'm going to be 32 until I reach 35 and then I'll be my age again.  You would've laughed, but understood.

This year I knitted scarves for Rudy and Dad for their birthdays.  Rudy requested a manly scarf and kept dropping big hints on how nice it would be to have a knitted scarf.  I'm not sure he realized I might actually take him up on his request.  I taught myself through YouTube videos how to knit.  (It's amazing the kinds of teaching videos people post.  I'm not sure why they do it, but I was very thankful that someone did post the video.)  It was hard finishing the last scarf and not starting on yours next. 

I found some t-shirts you would've liked.  I smile thinking how much you would have enjoyed getting one for your birthday along with your scarf.

I remember the conversations we had about how unfair it was that they suddenly decided Pluto wasn't a planet.

Didn't you push Rudy into the street to "save" him from a spider?

So very true.  Some days when I miss you I buy a Carmel Macchiato and think of you.

You were the King of procrastination.  You had it down to a fine art.

Today Laura is going to come spend the day with me.  We're going to run errands, play with the kids, and I'll be thinking of you.  I have a bottle of your favorite wine to toast you with:

You would have gotten a huge kick out of how I obtained that wine for everyone.  Last summer when we were in Chicago I took the kids and drove to Monticello, IN for a liquor run.  That sales woman must have thought it was crazy that I bought three cases of Black Beauty wine, either that or I must have made her day because her sales stats looked pretty good.  I can see why you liked the place.  I might have stayed longer and poked around except it was raining cats and dogs and I had Aric and Kellyn who were a bit too fascinated with everything in the winery.  I spent the rest of the summer hauling wine around on our trips and delivering the cases.  We all have enough wine now to toast you for six years until someone needs to make another liquor run for more.  I call "not it"!

I think about you all of the time.  You were so loved and cherished and we all miss you terribly.  Kiss my babies and keep building those sand castles.

Happy Birthday, Ryan.

To My Dad...

Happy Birthday.  I love you.

More Than a Glimpse, Part 2

I honestly didn't think it would take this long for me to write this post.  I thought, when I wrote the first post, that I would write a follow-up post soon after.  I thought about what to write, but I think it is hard to write something when you are living it everyday.  I'm not saying that Part 2 is completely over, but I am beginning to think that maybe I'm at the tail end of it and getting ready to move on to the next chapter.

After I was diagnosed with postpartum depression I read three books on the topic:

Down Came the Rain introduced me to the topic of postpartum depression and made me feel like I wasn't crazy.  It didn't provide me with much help beyond that, but what it did do was spur me on to look for books written by people from a Christian perspective.  The Lifter of My Head was an extreme case with the author spending time on the psych ward.  While I did suffer from suicidal thoughts, it didn't get bad enough for me to need to be committed anywhere.  I sought help and strength and I received those and much more.  If I were to recommend any of these books it would be the last book I read, Living Beyond Postpartum Depression. It is a book that can be read by anyone; the person going through the depression, the spouse, family, friends, etc.  It truly gives an insight on what is being battled, why, and ways in which one can seek help.

My life looks completely different now than it did six months ago, four months ago, or even a month ago.  I was acting better, treating my family better, interacting more and actually living life instead of wanting to disappear from it all.  Part of it was me making changes, but most of it was the medication.  When I forgot to take my medication it was very evident the next day.  I was irritable, impatient, and the horrible thoughts that used to plague me returned.  At some point during the day I would stop to reflect on what was the matter with me and realize that I was off my medication.  Some times it would overwhelm me.  It seemed like I would never be able to get off of my medication.  A few weeks ago I again forgot to take a pill.  It was the first time that I realized I had missed my pill not by my actions and attitudes, but because I saw my pill still sitting in the case.  It gave me hope; hope that I might be able to come off of the medication at some point in the future and be okay on my own.

Six months ago I would not have been able to handle all that is going on in my life.  Starting a business of my own would not even have occurred to me, it didn't.  The stress would have been too great.  Somewhere along the way God has provided healing and renewal.  I feel like a better person and I feel like pieces of me have been returned to me.  I have so many creative ideas floating around in my head it's almost overwhelming.  Overwhelming, yes, but a good kind of overwhelming.  I have interacted more with people, made new, lasting friendships, and reconnected with old friends.  I could barely interact with my kids and husband before.

And now... I'm beginning to see the light in my dark tunnel and I'm ready to feel the sunshine on my face.

Always

After 15 years of togetherness, 9 years of marriage, 2 kids, and all of the ups and downs life together can bring; this man still makes my heart beat faster:

Happy Anniversary, Ryan.  I love you.  Always.

More than a Glimpse, Part 1

Note: This is more than a small glimpse into my life, but I wanted to share this in the event that it might give someone else courage to seek help.

Eight weeks ago I summoned the courage to make a doctor's appointment. It was a difficult day. I felt like I was back in school with that sick feeling in the bottom of my stomach, that feeling when you know you are about to take and fail a test. I went anyway, because I knew I needed to go. It was worth the risk of being called crazy. It was worth the risk of having people look down on me. I needed to save myself and my family.

You see, I have known something wasn't right with me for well over a year, maybe longer. My brother died unexpectedly, my husband started a job that took him away for half of the first year, we moved to a new house in January for a fresh start, I quit my job and was staying home to raise my two young children. I had always wanted to be a stay at home mom. Now I was, but I was miserable and nothing I could do would change that. It was starting to affect me. I had crazy, irrational thoughts that I couldn't not think about, even though some rational part of my brain was telling me they were irrational. I believed I was being a horrible wife and mother. The guilt was overwhelming. I have always been told I was a patient person, but I didn't have an ounce of patience left for anyone. I am ashamed to say, but I yelled at my kids about anything and everything. Anytime they did the smallest thing I flew off the handle and yelled at them. My thoughts of guilt were overwhelming- "What must the neighbors think?", "Would my kids grow up remembering me as the mom that yelled?", "What does my husband think?", "Why can't I stop?". It got to the point where Kellyn would flinch anytime I spoke to her. As a mom, that is sobering. I was taking care of the kid's basic needs, I was taking care of the house, but I wasn't available.

Ryan has to travel often for his job. I couldn't handle the times when he was gone. It seemed like a cycle; every time he left I would break down right before he came home. We would talk about it, argue about it and tell each other we were tired of it.  I felt like everyone was patting me on the head and telling me it would get better with time; I would get used to the changes in our life. I knew things weren't getting better and I was getting tired of getting patted on the head. (It was the thought that they were patting me on the head, I don't think anyone actually did that.)

People normally tell me that I am a logical person with lots of common sense. I tell you that, because my thinking had become so skewed. If I had a particularly hard day (lots of yelling and guilt) I would grab a beer or two to take the edge off. I am not a big drinker.  Normally I might have one if we grill out for dinner, but that’s the extent of my alcohol consumption.  I actually had thoughts that maybe I should become an alcoholic, which would solve my problems.  I had thoughts that maybe things would be better for everyone if I was dead.  That small, still rational part of my brain knew that neither choice was an option.  I knew that I should pray and read my bible more, but I couldn’t concentrate long enough to do either and didn’t know where to start if I could concentrate long enough.

I was ashamed of myself as a mother, a wife and a person.  Somewhere along the way I realized that this was something much deeper than grief over my brother unexpectedly dying.  I wasn’t handling anything in life.  After one of our monthly arguments over my not handling life, something clicked.  Maybe it was realizing that Kellyn was flinching when I spoke to her, maybe it was realizing that I was thinking about death entirely too much, or maybe it was just time.  I’m not sure what changed but I realized that I needed help and that it was up to me to get it. I had been waiting for someone to swoop in and take care of everything for me, but no one was.  I needed to take the initiative and seek the help I needed.

It was hard.  I did lots of research and decided maybe I was depressed.  I had a misconception that my parents and brother disapproved of depression and the treatment of it (they don’t).  Regardless of what I believed about their opinions I knew I needed help.  I set out with a plan to find someone with a godly background to talk to and to ask the doctor about taking anti-depressants.  I knew anti-depressants would be a band-aid on everything and I needed to actually work through my problems.  I was overwhelmed with trying to find someone to talk to.  Thankfully, through a friend, God provided a godly woman to talk to.  I met with her first before I made the doctor’s appointment.  She gave me the courage to call the doctor and make the appointment.

That doctor’s appointment was difficult.  It was hard sharing things with the nurse and then again with the doctor.  I felt like I was forever marking myself with the word “depression”.  The doctor did not condemn me or sentence me to a life of depression.  She told me that she thought, with the timing of everything, that I have postpartum depression and prescribed an anti-depressant for me.  That concept was hard to wrap my mind around, Kellyn is almost two.  I always thought postpartum depression happened right after you had the baby.

I was told to take the pill that night and that I wouldn’t notice any results until about two weeks after starting the medication.  The next morning I woke up and the world was a different place.  I had an infinite amount of patience.  I didn’t raise my voice once with the kids.  That first week I didn’t do any house work beyond cooking dinner.  The kids and I played.  We laughed, giggled, wrestled on the floor, chased each other around and enjoyed our days together.  Ryan noticed the difference, too.  He said I seemed happier, a bit more like myself.  I was able to think clearly, to read my bible, to pray again.  The bizarre thoughts that had filled my head were gone. For the first time in too long of a time to remember, I felt like me.

To be continued…

Psalm 3:3- “But you are a shield around me, O Lord: you bestow glory on me and lift up my head.”

My Aunt

This beautiful lady is my aunt Jill.  She and I have always shared a special bond.  My mom was pregnant with me when she was Jill's maid of honor.  I was born on Jill's birthday.  Every year we race to see who can call first and wish the other a happy birthday.  Coming full circle, Jill was my maid of honor when I got married.

Jill is the kind of aunt who lavished us with her time and creativity.  One of my favorite memories is when Jill made Ryan and I a hospital tent out of sheets in her backyard.  She used strips of old sheets for bandages.  Then she poured ketchup on her arm and came out to have us bandage her up. 

She showers the same amount of time and creativity on my children.  We stayed with her and my uncle Glenn while we were in Minnesota this summer.  Jill made the kids an extravagant cardboard house (I'm sorry I didn't take pictures of it) and a butcher paper road for Aric's cars (we still have and use the road).  The kids lapped up all of the extra attention.

Jill had no problem calling out my brother, Rudy, when I told her I was a bit perturbed that he ignored me at the wedding.  She went right up to him and told him he needed to give me some of his time.  If not for her I would've let him ignore me and then yelled at him later.

Jill and Glenn helped Ryan and I chase Aric and Kellyn around the boat.  I'm sure they (Jill and Glenn not Aric and Kellyn) were worn out at the end of the evening.

With three stories of boat and two precocious kids it was a lot of work and we were thankful to have the extra help.

Jill will always hold a special place in my heart.  I am thankful to have her in my life.