Reflective

Reflective- that's how I feel today. Two years ago today, Aric was born followed by an F4 tornado. At times it's hard to believe he's already two and other times it seems that he's always been a part of our family.

After two miscarriages I wasn't sure we would ever have children. When I found out we were expecting Aric I gave God control of my pregnancy (not that I ever had it in the first place). After thinking there was a huge possibility that I would lose Aric early on, I came to terms with losing yet another child and took my pregnancy day by day because that's all I could handle. God had different plans for us, though, and Aric grew inside of me. I felt more confident as the months passed and genuinely looked forward to the fulfillment of my life-long dream to be a mom.

Two years ago I checked into the hospital, a week before my due date, to be induced. I was nervous facing the unknown outcome of the day. I'd heard horror stories of being in labor for days, the pain of pitocin, the pain of labor, etc. My labor wasn't easy. I had back pain, front pain and was starving through the whole ordeal. It's funny how you remember the weirdest things or maybe I was just that hungry. After 13 hours and no progression for the last 4, I came to a fork in the road. I chose to overcome fear and have a c-section rather than allow the doctor to screw sensors into my baby's head to monitor contraction levels for another couple of hours. (That still sounds barbaric to me.) It was scary being on the operating table, but I'll never forget the sound of Aric crying (or Ryan's descriptive play-by-plays of my operation). I cried when I heard and saw my son. It seemed unreal to finally have a child of our own. I was terrified to have such a responsibility in my life, but at the same time cherished every feeding, every diaper change and every little snuggle.

Fast forward two years and I no longer have a little baby. I have a little boy. We've had our ups and downs; days that I've wanted to go on forever and days that I've wanted to give him back. Aric is a complete joy, though. I thank God for every day that we have with him. It is fulfilling to view the world through his little eyes and again see the joy in a puddle of water, a dirt pile, or pushing a stroller up a hill and allowing gravity to take over and the stroller to chase you back down the hill. I can't describe the way my heart melts when he calls me "Mommy" or wants to cuddle with just me. He is truly a delight.

Happy Birthday, Aric! Enjoy your day.

Just Leave Me Alone

I've been feeling claustrophobic lately. The only way I can describe what I feel is by likening it to a feeling I had during my c-section with Kellyn. While the OB was working on me after I had delivered Kellyn, I felt him tugging and pulling on my body. At one point I wanted to yell out, "Just leave me alone", but I knew that I couldn't because the last step of surgery was to stitch me closed.  I had to lay there on the table and wait patiently, ignoring the part of me that wanted to be left alone.

That thought, "Just leave me alone", has randomly crossed my mind since that time. The frequency of that feeling has begun to increase, though.  Early this morning while I was nursing Kellyn I was struck by that thought.  I just wanted to go back to sleep and not be bothered by a hungry child.  Don't get me wrong, she is not neglected in any way, I'm just not always thrilled to drag myself out of bed at 1am and deal with her for the next 40 minutes.  The feeling returned while I was at work today. I don't think of work as a respite from taking care of people.  It brings me more "kids" to take care of who just whine in a completely different way than my own. 

I try to be there for Ryan and the kids and sometimes it's to the detriment of myself. I feel so guilty when I take time for myself, though, and it's going to take some awhile to get past that feeling.  When I do get time to myself I often find myself running errands, doing chores or even taking a kid along with me instead of pampering myself, reading a book or just having a moment of solitude without worrying about anyone else.

These episodes, if you will, are making me realize how unhealthy it is to neglect myself.  I need to take an active interest in my mental and physical health.  Once I do, then maybe I can be a better wife and mother and quit visiting this topic over and over.

Fitness Challenge

Four years ago I was in amazing physical shape.  Five days a week before work I went to the gym to run and lift weights.  I felt good about myself and the body I achieved through my hard work.  Around that time I quit working out.  Flash forward four years and two babies later and I still feel good about myself even though I don't work out.  I didn't always feel that way.

After I had Aric, I was thrilled with my new baby, my new status as a mommy and not so thrilled with the way pregnancy had changed my body.  I had gone from having a girlish figure with a flat stomach to a womanly figure and that flat stomach had vanished completely from sight.  I was horrified with what I had left after pregnancy, but was unmotivated to change it.  I struggled with huge feelings of guilt if I did anything that kept me from spending time with Aric to include working out.  I work full time, after all, and that alone carries with it guilt and baggage.  In the midst of my struggles, I found out Kellyn was on her way and there was no need to get in shape.  My pregnancy with her was difficult and being on modified bed rest made me a sedentary creature.

After eighteen months of pregnancy and two kids, my body definitely shows the signs of bearing children.  And I'm okay with that.  I won't ever go back to having that girlish figure.  There are clothes in my closet that I may never fit into again.  I have stretch marks, wider hips, a gently curving belly and for the first time in my life I don't mind it.  I know my husband still loves me and I have two beautiful children who have changed me forever.

With that being said, I am not implying that I do not have a desire to work out, get back in shape and look my best.  With a full time job, two kids and a huge lack of sleep, it will be a challenge to get into a routine but I have an incentive.  Ryan proposed that we have a fitness challenge as an incentive for both of us to get into shape.  We each have specific fitness goals that we would like to achieve and a need to go on a fun vacation.  The winner of the challenge, which ends on Kellyn's first birthday, will get to decide where our vacation destination is.  I have an appointment this week to have a body composition test done.  In case you were wondering, I'm not looking forward to hearing what my BMI is or how out of shape I actually am.  However, I think this appointment will help me find out what a realistic fitness goal for me is and just maybe I'll be able to win the challenge.

Wish me luck!

A First, Two Rings, A Game and Hair Loss

This morning was a first; I let Aric pick out his clothes today.  He was actually quite choosey about each item as he picked them out.  This is what he came up with:

I'm wondering if this is a sign that he would like to go hunting.  I did read somewhere that it's fashionable this year to mix your prints, so maybe he's just trying to be on the cutting edge of fashion.  Either way I think he looks pretty cute.

I received some money this Christmas and decided to buy something completely frivolous that I have wanted for awhile.

I bought remembrance rings with the kid's birthstones.  I would eventually like to get two more rings with Ryan's and my birthstone and then have the four rings soldered together.  I like being able to look down at my hand throughout the day and be reminded of my two precious children.

These pictures are a little old (from the week of Christmas) but I finally got them downloaded off of the other camera.  We took the kids to a basketball game.  Aric has been to several already and really enjoys watching everything and clapping when everyone else does.  At least for maybe 10 minutes and then

he wants to run around and get into everything.

 

 

Kellyn was awake for part of the time.  After she fell asleep she startled awake every time they made a noise on the PA system.  We left after half time to put the kids to bed.  I just realized how tired I look.  I should get more sleep or a better under eye concealer.

I've started to notice my hair falling out again.  During pregnancy I don't lose a single strand of hair the entire time.  When Aric was about three months old I lost massive amounts of hair, especially up front around my hair line and had to cut my hair shorter.  This went on until Aric was about six months old.  I thought I was going to have to buy a wig, but it eventually stopped and the hair grew back in.  It has begun but at least I'm prepared for it to happen this time.  At least I think I am, I know I could possibly find myself crying about it during the worst of it.  My poor daughter is apparently taking after me.  She's lost all of the hair from her ears forward.

At least we realize this is just part of being a baby and it'll grow back with time.  It's just a little disconcerting so see when we are used to this:

I think they look so much like each other except for the hair.

Now I leave you with two photos that I liked from this past week:

Aric wearing his cool sunglasses.

Kellyn smiling at her mobile.

Thankful

For awhile now I have followed a blog of someone I don't know.  She gave birth to a sweet little girl at 26 weeks on Wednesday.  I have a coworker, pregnant with twins, who is 29 weeks and showing signs of early labor.  My Her OB put her on bedrest with the hope that she'll keep those babies in for another 2 weeks.  She's already preparing for a long road with two little ones in the NICU.  It makes me realize how close we came to walking down the same path.

This morning I am feeling thankful for God's blessing of a healthy, big, full term little girl.  While there are times her crying might be the death of me, and days I feel like turning in my mom badge, I am humbled to have been given the opportunity to raise my sweet daughter.